it's getting so much harder for me to set my mind firmly down to work. just can't concentrate. maybe just plain frustration at the uselessness of what i'm doing. i mean, where else will i have to know how to do gaussian elimination or prove that such and such matrices are bases or spans a certain space? why the heck will i need to find the determinant or inverse of a certain matrix? sigh. same with all my other modules. sigh. why will i need to know all that crap about baudrillard, simulations and simulacra or postmodernist thoughts? so frustrated. NUS=National University of Stupidity (they've got the midterm break starting on sunday again next sem)

sometimes i wonder if i should be in uni in the first place. next time when i have to start working, i'll be expected to be one of those high ups people. work in some office somewhere doing useless stuff. sigh. it's much much better to do hands on stuff. things where you can actually be an active part of the process and really see results happen.

sigh. btw, i scraped through my matlab quiz. haha! got the same percentage as the midterm. 11/20. muahahahahaha! my own fault lah. i know that there was so much that i was just whacking. not too worried about the exam yet. cos i'm thinking that based on the ca, i won't fail. but i won't do very well either. so, just trying to force myself to go study the damn thing and do what i can. which is probably not that good since, well...i haven't looked at the tutorials. all i've been doing is consolidating my theory. which means reading my lecture notes. if the thing is mostly solving sums, i can do it. but if it's proving, that's a problem. big problem.

had this dream the other day. it was the day of my linear algebra exam. and i didn't bring my calculator. so i was rushing to get su hui to lend me hers. and for some reason i was running all over nus trying to get her. and then ran to the exam venue. which was this huge hall (kinda like a church hall). the exam was just starting. so i plonked myself into the nearest desk. and then i realised that this wasn't my desk and i didn't know what my seat number was. and so i rushed to the side of the hall where they got the name lists but half way through, mr toh told me to quit running around and sit down. so i did. then i realised that i forgot my help sheets and that i couldn't remember a single thing. sigh. i always get weird dreams like this. like before my a level results when i dreamt i got B for lit, E for maths and G for econs. crazy i tell you.

but seriously, back to real world studying. the only things that i have actually sat down and did studying for is maths, genes and a bit of lit. why am i in the arts stream??????? stupid sac. why they have to give me that sort of combination??! all you people doing chemistry, count your blessings! you can go to the science stream and ultimately go anywhere you want. STAY THE HELL OUT OF ARTS! it may be a fun fac to be in but it's a dead end road. (unless you like teaching)

thinking whether or not to go to the tution center tmr. got some questions to ask. well, 3 questions actually. so i don't know if worth it or not. if i can see june at choir tmr maybe can ask her. but not sure if going to see her. and paiseh to ask her since i don't know her that well. but for now...sigh.
next, was looking up modules that are offered next sem. hey peeps! so proud of myself, i'm actually attempting to plan my next sem's timetable, even if it's a bit early. hoping that can have a day free so can go work part time. uncle james was recommending work at ben and jerry's. but parents not too happy about that. mother wants me to do part time at a bank. shucks. i rather go back to JL. anyway, what i feel like doing next sem: french, religious studies (w/duan hui), general bio (cross fac), singapore studies, 2000 level english, psychology. yup. was initially considering linear algebra 2 but i think i must be crazy to do that. science fac hasn't released next sem's modules yet so i can't check up the cross fac stuff. slow sia.

and then, singapore idol's coming back next year. auditions in february. family's saying that jess or someone from the church should take part. we'll all vote for them. in my wildest dreams i want to try out too. but i'm no clay or ruben or kelly. no way i'm getting through the auditions. even paulus and grace didn't get through, so what chance do i have? waste my time only.

which brings me back to my initial ponderings. what the hell do i want to do with the rest of my life? realistically speaking. i've got loads of things i want to do in my wildest fantasies, singapore idol aside. but really. who knows, maybe i'll end up in some sort of lesbian relationship, opening a flower shop somewhere with my girlfriend. (gosh, parents will go ballistic if that happens) sigh. wish there's some fairy godmother somewhere that can wave a wand and tell me what i'm supposed to do with my life. i'd love to be a music teacher. but you need paper qualifications for that. which i don't have. sigh. darn you SAC!

"depression is a state of mind; think happy thoughts." i cannot think of happy stuff at the moment. hmm...what pretty pink and blue thoughts can i squeeze out of my mind right now? shucks, really can't think of anything leh. die lah. erm...erm...cannot! must end with something happy. hmm.........there's going to be a 4 month break at the end of next semester that i'm going to take to learn how to play the guitar or the er hu. did i mention that aunty priscilla went to thailand and bought back an er hu for us? oh ya. ruth is cantoring this sunday. can't wait to hear her. hope i don't screw up the organ for her though. :D

it's the next morning. something interesting happened this morning. i got an sms from someone saying i miss you, good morning! that kind of msg. anyway, i had no idea who it was so i msged back to ask. and turns out that it's this fella (no idea guy or girl. he only identified himself by his initials) from sp. apparently he was msging someone called irene also. 19 years old too. it's the other irene that jac mentioned to me long time ago. and he knows jac also apparently. so qiao.